All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. ~André Breton
Being estranged from my mom, as well as my family, is a painful type of grief and a deeply painful part of my story that I try to keep boxed into a safe compartment within my mind. It feels too shameful and complex to bring out of hiding. But in my heart, I am screaming out for my mom to love me again. To love me for the first time perhaps. To see me as the child and the daughter I truly was. But I also know she never could and probably never will. In many ways we were strangers. I remember one time she told me she had no idea where I came from. I guess it’s not too surprising that we’re estranged now.
Maybe someday I’ll have the courage to tell that story. Today, it feels healing to write that she wasn’t a safe place for me. She was physically present, but a genuinely loving bond was missing. As my spiritual journey unfolds, I live with an absent presence. On the mystical path, God is always present. The invisible, or the unseen, nourishes me with a soft strength and reassurance, telling me I am loved as I am.
My mother’s arms were empty, and I grew accustomed to being held by her emptiness. Now I find I am held by an invisible embrace, as John O’Donohue calls it. This invisible embrace is My Beloved, Divine Love, Creator, and my best friend. I can see how a preparation was made for our reunion by not receiving my mom’s love. Of course, it doesn’t excuse her actions, or transform all of my trauma, but it definitely made me seek for the Divine at a very young age (although I didn’t know exactly what that meant at the time). I knew I wanted a love I could count on and that didn’t come and go based on expectations or conditions.
The “present absence” of my parents laid the foundation for me to unfold as a mystic, a medium, and a lover between worlds. It made me seek for what I might one day find. A love that is everlasting and can never die. I realize this may sound unrealistic or like a delusional fantasy, but even so, I’m okay with that. It’s honestly how I feel. There was a part of me that knew this kind of love existed. If I yearned for it, didn’t that mean there was a love also yearning and searching for me?
Was this the God, a Higher Power of my own understanding? The Lover and Beloved reunited within my soul? I craved to know the answer. I was hungry and holding on to a flicker of hope that beyond all conditions, love and I would find each other. Then, I found Mediumship.
Although unique in the type of pain and grief that’s experienced, the yearning for a Beloved’s arms or for a passed loved one’s physical presence, seems to spark a desire within the soul for communion and communication with Divine Love. The soul journey of the Mystic and the Medium is what I’ll be discussing in future blogs/writings. Stay tuned.